Glitter Aversion

My wife hates glitter. That is not a hyperbole. If anything, it is an understatement.

We previously bought Christmas cards in a post-holiday clearance, not realizing they had glitter on them. This year, we are using said contaminated cards. (Sorry if you receive one and are also glitter-averse.) This means we have glitter in our house. (If you did not let out an audible gasp at reading this last statement, you do not understand my wife or her hatred of these sparkly flecks.)

Being the sensitive husband that I am, watching her deal with these cards and react to the contamination of her house and body has been amusing. My favorite quote from her on the subject today: “They should make a bug bomb for glitter. You set it off, leave the house for the day, and when you come back all the glitter is destroyed.”

It is probably a good thing such a glitter-bug bomb does not exist or she might advocate for plans to weaponize it and launch them at all the glitter-producing nations of the world. Target number one would be Meadowbrook Inventions in New Jersey and Henry Ruschmann, the guy who developed modern glitter back in 1934, might be tried as a war criminal, dead or alive.

Watching my wife this morning led me to ponder how Moses and the Levites would have reacted to glitter, if this vile infestation had existed during the time of the Exodus.

“If glitter be seen on your person, you must immediately go and show yourself to the priest. If the priest proclaims that you have glitter, you must go outside the camp, burn your clothes, shave all the hair off your body, and wash daily for seven days. Then the priest shall inspect you again and if you are free from glitter you may return to the camp.”

Of course, if it was found in your house, things would be even more severe.

“If glitter is discovered in your dwelling, everyone in the house must be removed outside the camp and follow the prescribed cleansing ritual for glitter contamination. The priest must examine the dwelling, and if glitter is on more than one seat, table, or rug, the entire dwelling is to be burnt to ashes. Then the ashes will be taken outside the camp and buried 3 cubits in the ground and the spot marked so that no one unearths them.”

I really have to hand it to my wife. She somehow managed to survive raising three girls with such a severe glitter aversion. Granted, there were some tense moments and probably tears as Sunday school craft projects were thrown away before entering the house, or sometimes at church before entering the car. Now that the girls have all moved out, the occasional glitter incursion doesn’t happen very often, but when it does, we manage to deal with it by vacuuming and looking in the mirror repeatedly to make sure we are no longer contaminated.

Pondering the evil of glitter has given me fresh insight into the Levitical regulations on cleanliness. It also reminds me to be vigilant in watching for and removing that which contaminates my soul.

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